*WHISTLE WHISTLE WHISTLE* LIFEGUARD GOING IN!

For the last almost 4 years of my life, I have been a lifeguard at my local swimming pool, a job which I both love and find slightly dull. My mum always says it’s better to be bored rather than having to leap into action every 10 minutes, a sentiment with which I heartily agree.

I love this job mainly because of the people I work with every single day. They are hilarious, friendly, occasionally moany and full of some great stories. They welcome me back after a tough term at uni with the same enthusiasm and questions as they would if I‘d just had a week off. Going to work is comfortable and on more than one occasion I’ve fleetingly considered sacking in university life for the comfort and ease of this environment. But then I remember y’know, I quite like education.

I have spent nearly 4 years with these people and at times you forget why you’re there. It’s not exactly a thrilling job most of the time and often the swimmers are the worst thing about it. There are numerous signs around the pool baring the standard ‘no diving’ and ‘no running’ commandments but the amount of people who have deemed themselves too clever and important to follow these common sense rules is BAFFLING! If you are such a person, let me enlighten you. The side of the pool is very wet and slippery; if you run, you will probably slip and could either end up with a nasty bruise, a chipped tooth or a broken limb. So if you fancy dicing with a poolside injury, go forth and run, but expect to be yelled at to stop. If you dive in, the chances that you will end up with a head injury of some kind or even a spinal injury is relatively high. Are you going to risk it? I wouldn’t, so be sensible, yeah? If not for yourself, then for the sake of us poor lifeguards who will have to deal with the consequences of your stupid mistake because you couldn’t be bothered to follow the rules.

That said, my friends make fun of me regularly when I say that I’m going to work. I get jokes like “Oh cool, so you’re going to go and have a sit for a couple hours, yeah?”, or “don’t exert yourself too much will you, getting out of that high chair is quite tricky sometimes!” You get the gist, they think all we lifeguards do is sit around and blow a whistle every now and again, but I am here to tell you that this is not the case. Yesterday I actually had to do some work. I had to get in and perform a rescue.

In all of my 20 years on this planet, I haven’t experienced adrenaline like it. I honestly had no idea that I could move so fast and react to something so quickly! A little boy of about 5 was in a swimming lesson, got out of his depth and lost his float. I remember noticing him struggling to keep his head above the water. I remember my heart stopping and a distinct ‘oh shit’ train of thought running through my mind. But, err, I don’t quite remember how I got out of the chair and into the water, but I remember the tunnel vision as my instincts kicked in and all that mattered at the moment was getting to the boy. Unfortunately this meant that some of my training went out of the window and I may have forgotten to blow my whistle, but hopefully this is excusable. I remember people staring and the code blue alarm blaring, which indicates to everyone in the centre that there is an emergency in the pool. That sound is enough to make everyone’s heart skip a beat and would’ve done the same for mine except for the fact that I think mine had already stopped. I carried the lad to the side and I remember emerging from the water completely drenched and shaking like a leaf and remained in this state for a good 15 minutes after. But it was done and I am now a proper real-life lifeguard. I have fulfilled the purpose I was trained for and that feels pretty good.

One thing I will learn from this experience is the need to take spare underwear to work with me from now on, because in the words of our amazing receptionist Mandy, I had to sit for the rest of my shift with wet boobs. Banter!

Now playing: Escape the Fate – Situations

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HOOVERGATE

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Mad as a Hatter.”

‘Mad as a Hatter’ was the writing prompt for today and this incident immediately sprung to my mind. It’s something of a legend in our friendship group. Allow me to share it with you. But be warned, Lizzie + rage = swearing, if you’re overly sensitive to that kind of stuff maybe this post isn’t for you!

Now, if you know me even a little, you will know that I’m not an angry person – you can find me in the easy-going, ditheringly cheerful category. The sort that needs supervision in the kitchen when handling knives; on my second ever day at university I sliced my thumb on a tin of beans. Blood everywhere. No beans for Lizzie that day :(

There’s some background to why rage is particularly out of character for me, now to the event.

Last year, I was living in university halls with my brand new and awesome friends aka, my Canterbury family (LOVE YOU GUYS!). Any of you jolly splendid people reading this who have ever lived in halls know that they’re not the most soundproof of places to stay. You have to be pretty tolerant when your neighbours make noise as chances are, a skype session with your family of what seems like a decent volume to you, could be torturously loud for the poor soul living next door. As a student, you are wary of your volume, so you turn down your music slightly, but not too much because your mate next door likes to play guitar at half 11 at night and you CAN HEAR ALL OF IT.

On the night of the incident in question, I was already tired, I had a couple of assignments due soon and so had been working on them all evening, so when it was a reasonable time to call it a night (so after the thought process of ‘is 9:30 too early to go to bed? …maybe. I’lll leave it a bit longer’) sleep came on stealthy wings and transported me to dreamland where I was perfectly happy and comfortable.

And then it happened.

3am rolled around. My flatmates got back from an evening ‘working’ in the library…they keep strange hours, I know. They made noise and a helluva lot of it. They ruthlessly dragged me back to reality with their jeering and it disrupted my snuggles. I was not a happy bunny. Not at all. Bitches don’t interrupt my sleep!

But this was fine, I’d certainly made my fair share of noise late at night after a couple of drinks and they hadn’t flown into a frenzy then.

A couple minutes passed and I thought the drama had subsided and was drifting back to the land of unicorns and Channing Tatums but oh no, this was premature.

A certain house mate of mine by the name of ‘Louis’ had been locked out of his room by our dear friends ‘Joe’ (from a couple of posts back, remember?) and ‘Carl’ and decided that the only thing he could do to remove them from his room was to TURN THE HOOVER ON.

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I know!! I don’t understand! Did he think he could use the suction of the machine to suck them out?! I have no idea! Clearly it was the stupidest idea that anyone has ever had, so needless to say I flew into a rage and exploded from my room like an arrow loosed from a bow and poor Louis was about to feel my wrath.

“What the FUCK are you doing?!?!” I screeched mercilessly in his poor unsuspecting face. “It’s 3 in the morning and you’ve TURNED THE HOOVER ON TO GET THEM OUT OF YOUR ROOM?? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!”

Needless to say, Louis shat himself and Joe and Carl emerged from his room looking pretty sheepish. They all mumbled apologies and left me to stalk back into my room in a fit of rage with a cartoon storm cloud above my head.

In the morning, Joe and Carl thought the whole fracas was hilarious and Louis appeared terrified of me for about a week afterwards. But it all turned out for the better and the four of us are thick as thieves now and they do the washing up whenever I ask them to, for fear of a repeat of Hoovergate.

So concludes my tale of anger and hoovers and lack of sleep. It may seem like an irrational thing to rage about, but anyone gets in the way of me and a good night’s sleep without good reason runs the risk of my own personal Hulk coming out and scaring you witless. You have been warned.

Now playing: Shinedown – Devour