I’ve seen a few of these kinds of posts on several other blogs recently and now I feel that the time is right for me to do one of my own. I know I’ve taken inspiration from the people around me a lot lately, but this has been a particularly difficult patch which has both worsened and been more manageable due to those around me. I hope you get a sense of what it’s like to be a 20 year old from this post and some of the ones that have come before it :)
I still remember the day when we decided we were best friends. It was last year and I wanted to change your name in my phone to mark the momentous occasion. I misspelt ‘bestie’ and it turned out as ‘beastie’ and that stuck like cotton wool on Velcro. You ripped into me for that, I remember, but adopted it all the same and over the last year, that’s what you’ve been to me. My beastie. A term that has altered meanings several times and become as complicated as the situation we’ve found ourselves in now.
It’s strange to think that I’ve only known you for a year and a few months, because I feel like I’ve known you for a lot longer. You know things about me that people I’ve known since primary school don’t, heck, even my parents don’t know most of it. You understand me on a different level. You’ve let me be vulnerable around you and have been my closest source of support during some difficult transitional stages in the roller coaster that has been the last year of my life.
Perhaps we shouldn’t have tried to change that.
Maybe it would’ve been better if we’d stayed in the primary manifestation of beasties? Rather than taking things a step further and ending up fucking each other over.
Because that’s what’s happened now, isn’t it? You’ve hurt me pretty badly, I’ve never shed as many tears over someone as I have over the past few months over you.
I’ve hurt you too though. I wasn’t perfect. I tried my hardest because heaven only knows that I’d do anything for you. I think you know that too, don’t you?
We made errors in the beastie mark 2 phase and fucked each other over.
I’m writing this because I can’t sleep. I have so many thoughts swirling around my head and the majority are about you. I want to say these things to you in person but you know me, I start mumbling and can’t manage to choke anything out. I miss you terribly and that’s what I want you to know more than anything. I miss you and I love you.
One of our friends said to me that you can’t invite someone else into your life until you’ve sorted it out for yourself and you’re happy with it. My mum said that same thing to me in the summer, I told you about it, remember? That’s what I need to do right now. This situation has messed me up enough and made me so poorly. Now I want to work me out and call the shots for a change. You’ve got such a beautifully strong personality that you can drown me out when we have chats like this but now it’s my turn and I’m the one being strong. I need you in my life, but as beastie version 1. For now at least. Maybe we can re-evaluate another time, perhaps we could see what happens after I come back from my year in France next year? When we’re both more stable. I’d like that :)
I still need you as my best friend though. Let’s take the Christmas holidays to lick our respective wounds and do stupid shit that people our age do and then in January maybe we could make chilli? Our chilli is the best. Or some more eggs and bacon? I promise I’ll chop the bacon faster this time!
I still think (and always will) that you’re the best guy who’s ever loudly and abrasively stumbled into my life and I hope you’re not too cross I’ve used you for inspiration again. Please don’t call me a penis again!
See you tomorrow hopefully, library at 11ish?