A certain type of human…

There is a certain type of person in this world I wish to discuss. Let me tell you about this most peculiar breed.

These people are unknowingly selfish and can’t really do anything to help it. They can subject you to endless amounts of tossing and turning at night and can really kill a good night’s sleep.

They take from you the thing you love the most in the world at a really inconvenient time and can very easily send you into fits of anger to a greater extent than the 5 smug, punchable faces of One Direction winning an award for ‘Best Pop/Rock Artist’…I mean, come on, how does that not make you rage?

The particular type of human being to which I am alluding is the Lesser-Spotted Common Garden Duvet Hog

duvet hog

The duvet hog or duvet whore if you prefer is the assassin of deep sleep, the murderer of that awesome dream (you know, the one where you’re eating a stack of pancakes as big as your head while riding a unicorn down the beach with Channing Tatum…I don’t know what you dream about, you weirdo), the destroyer of your important REM time.

Picture the scene: it’s the middle of the night. There’s someone else in your bed with you for whatever reason…cough, I’m not going to judge, it’s fine. No, no I’m sure you were just sleeping and it’s just a friend, you’re right! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me ;)

…where am I? Oh yes:

Middle of the night, you wake up feeling a bit chilly, you must’ve pushed the duvet off earlier on. Don’t worry, just grab for it…where is it? Where’s the duvet gone? You fully wake up in a state of panic, the lovely dream long forgotten.

There it is. Your partner in slumber has it and they’ve completely enveloped themselves in it so that human and bedding have become one and subsequently leaving none for you. Great.

Now you have two choices: either be cold until they roll over and inadvertently give you a corner, or you can WAKE THEM THE HELL UP and get some quilt back. Personally, I’ve always been more of a suffer in silence kind of girl.

Safe to say, these people are some of the most annoying you could possibly share your sleeping hours with.

I myself know a duvet hog. He is one of the most territorial keepers of the duvet I have ever met, dude’s definitely guilty of this most disruptive of crimes. It doesn’t help that he’s also very strong so there’s no way I could try and yank a corner of that sweet, comforting duvet back.

In the morning, when he asks if I slept well, I smile and say ‘of course’ despite my freezing tootsies. I return the question and the answer is always a smile and a nod.

I don’t mind though, I enjoy his company.

Before we drift off, we tend to lapse into a comfortable silence of two people who don’t need to say anything in order to be close. It’s refreshing and relaxing.

I imagine people can harbour a certain degree of resentment towards their personal duvet hogs but I quite like mine. I like the late nights spent talking and laughing and then drifting off to sleep together. I like waking up in the morning and knowing that there’s another round of happy conversation waiting once we’re both awake.

And I suppose I don’t mind waking up in the night and feeling a bit cold if it means I can have all these other things.

My best friend is a duvet hog, but I wouldn’t change him for the world.

Now playing: The Blackout – We Live On

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